Training Plan
A veteran of multiple #donutultrahalf adventures, our very own Scott Kay has come up with a training plan. If followed to the letter, this plan will guarantee that your #donutultrahalf experience will be completely smooth frosting-like sailing
So you wanna go swingin’ on the flippity flop.
A Guide for Munchkins Hoping to get Glazed.
7 Days Out:
Wait, you only start training one week out from this run?
Yes, sports related injuries are a real thing. The more you work out, the more likely you are to injure yourself. You can’t run a marathon in a coma!
Now let’s get to it!
A mistake lots of people make in how they prepare is to focus on the "Running"… these people are "Idiots."
To truly tame the #donutultrahalf requires mastering the eating!
The best preparation is to conserve energy by not running and to charge your internal battery with fried dough goodness by steadily increasing your “Daily Donut Intake” or DDI (as its known in the sport).
This allows for the most efficient prep by both storing energy to let out in explosive bursts on the run (i.e the fuller the tank the more distance you can travel), while simultaneously increasing your “Doughnut Threshold”, or D-Thresh (as it is known in the sport.)
While some runners choose not to eat a full donut at each stop, that disqualifies them from medal contention.
The darkest chapter in the sport’s history involved an athlete (whose name has since been stricken from our records) pretending to finish his donuts while actually not truly eating large segments of them or "vomiting" (as it is known in the sport).
Today, start familiarizing yourself with the varieties of donuts. You should be able to identify a good running donut blindfolded.
6 Days out:
Now, some people might have "gone running" today, but those people would be wrong.
There is much more important prep to be done.
All facial hair should be shaved!
“Sure”, you may be saying, “the beard has some advantages”.
Properly groomed a beard is aerodynamic and shields your face from any hazardous donut spray.
That's all short term.
This is a marathon. That beard is going to get destroyed by mile after mile of frosting. Try running with 10 pounds of glaze holding your beard together as the sweat causes it to melt and reform and melt and reform, until it is a solid amorphous brick of sugar around your jaw like some confectionary nightmare of an albatross, pulling you face first to the pavement.
Running the Donut Ultra Half with a Beard - Rookie mistake!
5 days out:
So you're thinking, "Well, we've got to start running today?"
Goddammnit! Have I taught you nothing!?!?
To run without proper preparation is to spit in the eyes of the gods and invite them to smite you for your hubris!
No, today we talk about two important injury prevention measures: Hydration and Carb-Loading. And Lo, nature has created a perfect beverage that allows us to hydrate and carb-load at the same time! Today is beer day!*
*Yesterday was also beer day, as is tomorrow.
4 days out:
So you should at least go running today right?
No! No! No!
Energy is a resource that must be managed. You only have so much of it!
Why would you jettison fuel before the big voyage!
Stupid! You are so stupid!
What we need to do is fully charge the batteries. Today is the day for concentrated sleeping! It can be mixed with the beer based hydration and carb-loading we discussed yesterday.
You should also have upped your DDI to around 10.5. If you’re anywhere under that now, I weep for your widow.
2 Days Out:
Surely today is the day you start running?
NO!
This is a thing wrong people do.
Today is about planning the appropriate emblem for the #donutultrahalf shirt! One cannot overstate the importance of the relationship between outfit “coolness” and performance. How can one be a mighty destroyer of donuts without an appropriately fearsome image emblazoned across their chest?! Imagine Batman with no bat or Superman with no ‘S’.
You'd just be a fool running around in spandex… and we are not fools! To the drafting table!
3 Days Out
Spend today acclimating yourself to the particular aromatic melange of sweat, donuts, vomit, and victory that follow us from shop to shop.
If you have a local hockey team, ask them for their used training clothes for you to cocoon yourself in. Assure them it’s not for anything “weird” and explain to them the glory of the #donutultrahalf.
Bring a box of donuts with you into your training garment igloo. If your local hockey team is not good, ask them instead for help getting the training undergarments of their rivals, as loser stink will be of no help. The #donutultrahalf reeks of victory… and vomit!
1 Day out:
Okay, you should at least try and run today?
Have you been outside? It’s August! This heat?? It's awful!! What lunatic would go running in this when we have these things called ‘cars’?
Use the car to get more donuts and beer. Keep those numbers up! This is not time to slack!
Day of #DonutUltraHalf:
Here is the “wax on, wax off” moment!
The Prestige!
The Denouement!
You see my little crullers, all of this time you have been painting my fences and sanding my floors, I have secretly been setting you up for the training masterstroke!
The ‘Three Times Efficiency Run’!
By saving your first and last training runs for the actual #donutultrahalf, you are getting three runs in at once!
That’s triple efficiency training!
You’re welcome.
A moment of sincerity
The run is actually very non-runner friendly
There are 12 stops that usually last 10 minutes each (or more) and include water breaks and air conditioning.
Most legs are about a mile. That means if you’re powerwalking, you still get there only a minute or two after the fastest people in the group, and then we all meet back up.
The mob is large enough that we have a power walking contingent. No crumb left behind.
If you are in reasonable shape, you’ll probably be fine.
If you can do a 5k and not feel like death the next day, you should be alright.
If you are concerned about the running, there are troves of great running plans on the internet written by actual qualified running coaches (Or better yet, actually get a real running coach!)
Just don’t try to get actual training advice from us. We are not trained professionals, we are morons. Fun and lovable morons, but morons nonetheless
Finally, if you aren’t feeling it on the day of the run and have to cut stops out, that just means you get to the bar faster…. So aren’t you the real winner then?